I remember telling Justin I don’t know what I would do if I ever saw a positive pregnancy test. It was a Monday October afternoon when I decided to take a test. In a matter of seconds after testing I saw two pink lines. I can’t explain what I was feeling in that moment. Shock, confusion, excitment, you name it I felt it all! For the first time in over 4 years I saw a positive pregnancy test.
I told Justin that evening as soon as he got home from work. I had dreamed about the day I could tell Justin that I was pregnant and that he was going to be a father. The pure joy we both felt in that moment is a day I’ll never forget, and I’ll look back at this as one of the best days of my life thus far. The next few days consisted of blood work and doctors appointments. Since I was considered high risk I was seen right away. Just a few days later we found out that I was losing the pregnancy.
I think one of the hardest parts was physically feeling my body go through these changes of losing the pregnancy. This child that we had hoped and prayed for was a reality then all of sudden faded away. I’ve never really understood the feeling of being heartbroken until that moment. I was so confused. Why would be pregnant if only to lose the pregnancy? I believe God is faithful but why is this so painful, and why does this have to be a part of our story? The days following our loss were rough. I was so thankful for Justin and his support even in his time of grieving and also for dear friends that understood our pain.
I remember not wanting to see anyone the days following. That weekend Justin and some friends were working on replacing our garage roof. That morning I wanted to sneak out unseen but as I was backing out of the driveway to run errands my friend Paul chased after the car and began knocking on the window. All I could think to my self was,”oh no I don’t want to talk to anyone.” I rolled down the window and Paul didn’t say a word but gave me a big hug. That’s all I needed in that moment, no words, no advice, just a friend and a hug and to know that it was going to be okay.
It’s a weird juxtaposition to feel so much sadness and pain but also overflowing peace and joy. I used to think I had to feel one or the other but, infertility has taught me that God is faithful, even if that means our story doesn’t end in a pregnancy or a baby for that matter, but that HE is enough.
